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Why is She Acting Distant After Intimacy? (With Solution)

Feature Image of She Acting Distant After IntimacyShe is confused when she goes hot and cold with you after intimacy and needs to clear her head. If it happened in an inebriated state, she has a blurred memory of the night. Send her a text to check on her and stay patient, and she will come around.

In this blog post, I will help you figure out why she is distant after being intimate and what you can do to fix it. Keep reading.

Reasons why she is distant after intimacy

  1. Your performance was below average: If you were too nervous, or it was your first time, it might have been awkward for her to sleep with you. We usually take our time in bed and might need help to share the same energy as our partner.
    • Many guys have performance anxiety. They either prolong the time before action or move right to the action. Either way, the key is to keep a balance between the two. Hence, when you do it next time, ask her what she enjoys more and when she last had it. It will give you clues about how to proceed further.
    • If you came quickly since you were super excited and didn’t care to edge yourself, she might get pissed at you. Whenever in bed, try to make your partner have a good org#sm before proceeding onward. A tip is to use toys. Women don’t come the way men do. Hence extra steps must be taken to make it delightful.
    • We say that size doesn’t matter, but in bed, it does. It might be off-putting if your tool is not sharp-edged, and she had been in bed with guys with giant swords. You can balance it with a long foreplay session. The size is natural, but if you have good abs, it will enhance your tool undoubtedly.
  1. She didn’t feel comfortable with you in bed: If you took out weird sounds, burped, or worse, if you farted in bed, she might get disgusted. Not all smells are pleasing, right?
    • Don’t be too full when you are planning to go intercourse. Take something light to keep you going.
    • Have some minty refreshments so that your mouth smells good. 
    • Use a seductive cologne. Girls love cologne. It lulls them into your charm.
    • Shave and trim yourself nicely. Don’t just do it at the extension; take care of the balls, navel, and underneath.
    • Keep a variety of options for protection available. Let her pick the flavor. 
    • Keep the toys handy. Let her explore and play with it.
    • Set up the right music, and keep a bottle of sherry and some delicious and fancy dessert by the table.
    • You can also begin by watching a French movie rather than jumping off at once into bed if it is your first time with her or if it is after a long time.
    • Share n#de or partially n#de pictures in advance so that you both know what you are signing in for. It would prevent any instance of unnecessary shock.
  1. You were greedy: If you come across as a greedy person in bed, that is, if you only think of yourself and the things that comfort, arouse, and please you, your girlfriend might get offended.
    • A relationship takes the shape of true intimacy when you understand, acknowledge, and work on each other’s needs. If it takes the direction where you are focused on yourself more, it will take the shape of self-aggrandizement. 
    • It is a very sad feeling when your partner feels that you are greedy in bed. Offer her some flowers, and go old school by sending her love letters to strike the right chord.
  1. You called out names: if you get too aggressive in lovemaking that you call out your girlfriend derogatory names, she might get seriously pissed off if she is not into that kind of thing.
    • Lovemaking is treated differently by different people. The primary goal might be a pleasure for some and a sense of wholeness and fulfillment for others. Hence, while at it, you must understand what your partner might want from you.
    • If they want to take the lead, let them. Go with the flow. If you feel your partner hesitates or limits it to oral, don’t thrust you upon them.
    • Building an understanding and encouraging the other person to communicate their needs is important when you don't want to keep it to a one-time thing.
  1. You took a different name: This can put you in permanent trouble. It happens when you are in bed with someone while your mind is dwelling elsewhere with someone else. It is very offensive and crude because it means you don’t want to be in bed with the current person.
    • Your girlfriend won’t only be pissed off at you for this. She might as well break up with you on this. And even if she doesn’t, she won’t ever forgive you unless she has a good sense of humor and has done such a thing.
    • The trouble would increase if the person whose name you took were your ex or your boss. The former would mean you are not ready to move on, and the latter would indicate that you are perverse. 
    • If you are bad with names and find it difficult to recall your girlfriend’s name while you are in bed with her, or you are too nervous, don’t take the name. People don’t address each other as “baby,” “love,” “life,” and “precious” for nothing. 
  1. You were rough: If you were too rough in bed, that is, if you were sudden, or if you did not assure that your girlfriend was wet down there, it might have been too painful for her to process. While she might have chosen either to shriek or not to express the pain, she might have been hurt. Did tears roll down her eyes? Did you ask her if she was fine? Always remember to check on your girlfriend while making out to know if she is comfortable or not.
    • Not everyone is meant for rough makeout. It also varies with mood. For instance, if you are making out while your girl is on her period, she might be better at tolerating pain. But if you do it while she is not horny, it might cause trouble for her down there.
    • Lubrication is important when you plan to penetrate. Use lubricants, tongue, saliva, or anything that is effective to make her wet. It would be pleasurable for both of you when she is drooling for you. 
  1. You kept the lights on: It might be that your girlfriend is too shy. She likes to do it with the lights off. This is a common instance faced by couples. It is not with girls only. Even boys who are uncomfortable with their bodies or hypnotized by a woman’s body feel so.
    • You can use dim lights or ceiling lights to avoid complete darkness. You are getting to see each other in bits and parts before attempting to go nak*d completely before each other could be a crucial step.
    • Always seeking permission about these sorts of things can help in bed adjustments. Other points include room temperature, type of music or complete silence, and undercover or without cover, which could be significantly moving factors.
    • You should be extra careful if you are doing it at your place. It would be a new setting for her. Try to do it at her place or book a room for the first timer. 
  1. She has never been so intimate before: If it was the first time or the first time in a long time that she has broken the hiatus and gone to bed with someone, she might take time to process things.
    • When we do it after a long time, we must avoid jumping to the concluding statement at once. We take our time to understand and proceed accordingly.
    • While working and doing things, we get flashbacks from the night, making us blush. That is when we realize how we feel about things.
    • Allow her to process things. It doesn’t imply you abandon her or wait for her to break the ice. Keep sharing memes and notes with her to clarify that it wasn’t a one-timer. She should know you are interested in her.
  1. She is overthinking: This is a common symptom of being a woman. They like to overthink things. If by chance you might have told something or referred to a previous experience or received a phone call, she will take it to heart.
    • When a person overthinks their hobby, they don’t care about the choice of subject. They would test you. They would need constant reassurance.
    • Such people are the most toxic. You might get weary of them in the long run. The day you would feel that you have had enough, you would burst out at her in anger, and there would be no retrieving from there.
  1. She has a boyfriend: If you guys weren’t dating, and it all happened in the spur of the moment, there is a possibility that she has someone in her life.
    • You might be casually flirting with someone for a while. One day, you go out to drink. You get too high. You are sitting too close. One thing leads to another, and you find yourself in bed with her the next morning. But she leaves without saying a word or simply gives you a peck on your cheek.
    • It is time for you to either not drain your energy and wait for her reply or stalk her to find out where you stand in her life. 
    • It makes a hopeless case if would makeidn’t express your affection in words or use the term “love” during intimacy.
    • Chasing and running won’t lead you anywhere. It is better to let things come to you naturally. Que sera sera. If it is meant to be, it will be.
  1. She is lukewarm in her affections: There is a possibility that the woman who slept with you did it for the sake of it or because you were available at a convenient hour. This usually happens when you sleep with someone from your workplace.
    • When you are sleeping with a colleague, there is an underlying tension at the back of both of your minds, whether you acknowledge it or not. The tension is of messing up the workplace scenario. 
    • She might be avoiding you because she doesn’t want others in the office to know that something is cooking between you two. If she is already dating someone, if someone in the office is also hitting on her, if she has had an affair with the boss in the past, or if you are her subordinate, she might find it awkward to handle the situation.
    • The reverse of the above case holds. If you are the boss, you are a level up in the office, or you have had an affair with the boss or boss’s daughter, she might have a sense of inferiority complex with you.
    • If the above situation holds, you must reassure her that you want to be with her. You need to prove through your action that the status quo doesn’t matter to you as much and you are a strong proponent of meritocracy.
    • Once she began to appreciate your mentality, she would come around you and the likes of you. It would help to broaden her perspective. Remember, once the person begins to trust you, it takes them a long way with you. 
  1. She is buying time: Perhaps the girl is taking some time before making the final call, or perhaps she is waiting for you to propose to her before she decides to move on.
    • Women find matters of heart sensitive and like to take their time before making commitments because they won’t step back easily once they are at it. 
    • She might be looking at the prospect of dating you from different aspects. She might want to meet your friends and analyze the equation with your family. 
    • Girls are mindful of many things. They pay attention to the intricacies of relationships. They need to see how you keep the present people in your life. It assures them of how you shall keep the rest.
  1. Safety concerns her: If you took her to a shady place or were too desperate not to drool over her in public, she might feel unsafe with you.
    • It is for the best to let the woman pick the place. You can play a more active part in booking, but when she pucks the place, she is certain to enjoy the space.
    • With the rising cases against women, trust has become a major relationship issue. Even after dating someone for years, women might not feel comfortable enough with their partners.
    • Hygiene is another serious issue. If you have a casanova personality and sleep with a random woman, she might be scared of catching diseases. In such cases, it is better to get tested together and wait for the arrival of the reports before jumping to bed.
    • If her period dates are up, she might be panicking. Or if she has undergone a positive pregnancy test, she might be freaking out and not know how to open up to you about it. She might be making up her mind as to what to do about it.
    • If you went on unprotected, she might not have liked it. Most men insist on having s#x unprotected, and women hate it. Most women prefer hygiene and protection unless they have a high s*xual drive.
  1. She is busy: There is always the possibility that she is busy and you are overthinking. Nothing is off between the two of you. She needs to catch up with you.
    • If you haven’t been dating seriously, the woman won’t compromise on her routine or work to make you feel wanted. You might as well be her weekend indulgence.
    • Such women are bold and achievers. They like to stand apart from the crowd. They know how to lead and leave a mark wherever they go or wherever they sleep with. They don’t shy away from keeping multiple partners at the same time.

What to do when she is distant after intimacy?

  1. Buy her confidence: Complimenting her by saying that you love her smell, the way she arouses you, her taste, et cetera, will buy her confidence.
    • Women are less explicit in gestures than men when making out. They are more used to shying away. This, in turn, makes her more nervous. Hence, when you compliment her lady attributes and tell her something about how delightful you find her in bed, she will be able to take the lead next time.
    • It is necessary that your partner feels confident with you. It would begin with making her feel comfortable firsthand. When you ensure the nitty gritty about everything: place, timing, lights, music, precautions, lubricants, affection, and desserts, she is sure to bask in comfort.
    • Not jumping directly into the lovemaking process also works nicely for many people. When you take your due time by creating a mindful conversation and sharing experiences, you show that there is no rush. It indicates that you want her passionately and not merely out of desperation
  1. Give her time: If she is taking longer time than usual to make a reply, or answer your call, have more patience.
    • Getting restless because a woman you slept with will bring you nothing. Remember the time before it happened and how patiently you exercised and found it rewarding, do it again this time. 
    • Even if there is some strong reason for her this behavior, she will open up to you about it. You will then be able to make your call as to which way to go and how to do so. The chances are high that she will guide you there hand-in-hand.
  1. Ask her if she is fine: When the girl you slept with avoids you, it doesn’t indicate that you would do the same. Rather than reciprocating the negativity or the hesitation that she radiates, be gentle.
    • Show her that you are full of warmth and you don’t want to keep any room for bitterness.do this by sending her texts to check on her.
    • If she is a book lover, gift her something mindful. A delightful reading on love and romance, or a completely different genre, say a biography, will open up a new avenue for you to connect.
    • If she is a book lover, you can invite her to see your collection, take her on a stroll to your favorite bookstore, or give her passes to join your book club. Gifting the hardcover version of her favorite book nicely furnished could also be heart-winning.
  1. Show up at her place with ice cream: Showing up at her doorstep with her favorite tub of ice cream from Baskin Robins or a freshly baked snack to share can also help reduce distance.
    • Food is an underestimated portal of communication. It is magic. You can touch one’s heart with its exquisiteness or brilliant combinations. 
    • Show her the qualities that you haven’t shown to anyone else. We all have a romantic touch. Convey it in words or gestures to make her know what she is getting on the table.
    • Think of this as a statement of expression. Narrate to her all you would do if she were to date you. Think of it as writing a thesis on you as a boyfriend. Consider creatively writing it on a scroll and sending it to her with a bouquet. She is sure to have a peal of hearty laughter.
  1. Learn to please: Pleasing is an art. You must know the sensitive parts and one’s appeal to them. When you master the skill, your woman will always be happy.
    • The sensitivity ranges from facial attributes, navel, and underarms to one’s sole. Perhaps use a feather to see where it tickles. Take your time to understand your woman’s body. We all respond to stimuli differently.
    • Pleasing should play a vital part in love-making. Think of it as assembling the ingredients in proper quantity before you begin to cook. Pleasing helps to invoke the right amount of energy.
    • A woman will overlook everything when you keep her happy. Pleasing will help you get there. You will become dearer to her than anything or anyone else.


Few things to keep in mind:

  • Intimacy is not a one-time thing. It is a process. Getting intimate in bed is the beginning, but it will take time to become a part of their life.  
  • It is not as bad a sign as it may seem when the beloved acts distant after intimacy. It suggests that you have left a palpable mark upon her. She is overwhelmed and might soon radiate positive energy.
  • Trying too hard or begging for someone’s presence in your life is not worth it, even when you love them. Love should liberate, not confine. 

About the Author

Suprity Acharyya

Suprity is the editor-in-chief of Relationshippp and its parent site RelationshipExplained. She overlooks the end-to-end editorial publishing pipeline. She has a Bachelor's Degree in English and did her Master's in Social Welfare Management.
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